Unleashing∙Scattered∙Thoughts

Inner Evil Unleashed

Today, I realized that there is a devil inside me that no one would want to unleash and mess with.

I was told by my mom that my beloved grandma has a swelling on her head. All because of a petty fight between husband and wife who happens to be our relatives and neighbors. The fight happened at 2AM in the morning for crying out loud which woke up people in our compound except me I think.

Just to give you a background, my grandma is a peace advocate and a very concerned citizen. She doesn’t like arguments and fights and stuff like that happening on our neighborhood. When it happens, she’s always to the rescue. Not the superhero type of rescue though. She would stop the arguing parties from fighting and she would try to make peace between them. Also, she’s weak. She had this eye operation few months ago. Just a week before, she could not walk because of rheumatism. And yet, she has the courage to stop violent fights among husband and wife.

To cut it short, the couple is in a May-December relationship. The husband who happens to be brothers with my grandpa is a great dad. I know that because at such old age he never stopped working just to provide for her children. They have less than enough. On the other hand, the wife who is just about my age is a crazy bitch. She is a magnet for arguments. Well, it is more accurate to say she always starts an argument. They would fight twice or thrice a week. Sometimes, more. She is not a good mom. Her children do not even respect her. She would always be gone for days and her children won’t hear anything from her. She won’t even dare to text them or what just to make sure they have eaten or what. I can’t even consider her as an ‘okay’ person because of the selfish and horrible things she did. The list is long.

So much for background. After I heard that my grandma was hit by a chair while she was trying to stop the wife from hitting her husband, then that was when the devil inside me took over. I was suddenly furious. I can’t even remember the last time I felt such fury. But I burst into tears as well. That is my thing. When I’m angry I can’t help but cry and I can’t control it.

I rushed outside our house and went in front of hers. All I wanted was to take that fury out of me and the devil wanted me to hurt her. I wanted to do so many things just to hurt her and get revenge for my grandma. I can’t even remember the exact words I said to her. She won’t show up even though I was calling her. I think I said “Putangina mo” “Gago ka” “Wag kang magpapakita sakin, sasaktan kita” and the like. Maybe much worse.

My grandma was of course trying to stop me. So was the husband. I have respect for him I said but not for her wife who is always the cause of trouble.

Maybe it was irrational for me to act like that. That I had allowed my devil to come out and took over me. But it happened and I had no control over such emotion. Also, I was provoked.

I thought about what happened to me afterwards. What I did might get out of hand if she showed up. I might have killed her and I can imagine doing so. I, myself, might got into a much bigger trouble if she was there. God knows what I can do to her then. 

But I had no regrets because I did what I did for my grandma. I thought if she is a woman who considers other people especially her old neighbors, then she would not start a fight with her husband shouting at the top of her lungs for the whole compound to hear at 2 AM in the morning. She has no respect for people around her. If she had a little, she would not even start an argument at such hour. If she wasn’t shouting to her husband then my grandma won’t even try to stop her. Sure grandma would have slept soundly until the morning. If she had a little respect for other people, she would not have hurt my grandma, accidentally or not.

I had no regrets though even though I seemed like I stoop down to her level. I don’t care about class and social image if you hurt any of the people I love. This is an eye-opening experience for me. I had this dark side, a devil inside that can take over me once provoked. And more than anyone, I should be scared of it. I have no control over it, over such strong fury. It is all evil and evil is all it wants to do. Maybe it is capable not only of hurting people. Maybe it can do so much worse. No one knows. And it is in me. Maybe it is me. 

Just to steer away from this emotional state because of mothers’ day, I’m going to remind myself about a certain kind of comfort.

Physical comfort. I feel like I’m most comfortable when I’m around my high school friends (aside from of course, being around my boyfriend).

Last Friday we had this overnight summer getaway at Fontana Leisure Parks in Pampanga and it was actually my first time to spend a night with them. Ahhhh it was crazy. I definitely had soooo much fun. We did swim all night, beerpong at the pool side, drink tequillas, eat lots of food, play cards, talk about our high school profs and so much more. We did all this with so much freedom because we rented the whole villa with a private pool.

I’m not expecting you to read ahead okay. But since you are warned already and you wanted to proceed, well, deal with it. I have to share this.

So to get back with the physical comfort topic, there was an instance where we (just girls) were talking about boobs. And there was never a time, not even a split of a second that it felt awkward. My friends touched and felt my boobs and I did the same with theirs We were talking about the size, how and if it can get bigger and stuff related to boobs. Girls do these without malice at all.

Aside from boobs we also touch each others’ ass, and other body parts including the most private areas (to mess around each other) without hesitations. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can never do such thing with other friends and people I know, just my friends from high school. This is seriously a not-so-wholesome post for y’all but it is for me. It was all fun and being comfortable around people who feel the same way when they’re around you.

Looking forward to another great time like that. Yay mission complete. I am now done crying because of mother days blues. :))))