Breathing Space

DISCLAIMER: This blog serves as my virtual diary which main purpose aside from being my inhaler is to take me back to my old stories and dilemmas whenever I feel the need to do so (not to please anyone or provide comprehensive information about stuff that interests people). I find relief in publishing what is supposedly not to be shared in public. I know there’s just too much drama, euphoria and whatnot you can take. Needless to say, feel free to leave anytime.
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
.

This summer is black and white.

This summer is black and white.

Misha. :)

Misha. :)

Mantra. There are plenty of reasons to be happy. :D

Mantra. There are plenty of reasons to be happy. :D

Itong maliit na slip na to ang dahilan kung bakit nagkanda hirap hirap ang enrollment namin! Ito lang!!! 😡 Sa wakas, enrollend na. And hello, 5 days vacation. :) #UPDiliman (at UP-DILIMAN)

Itong maliit na slip na to ang dahilan kung bakit nagkanda hirap hirap ang enrollment namin! Ito lang!!! 😡 Sa wakas, enrollend na. And hello, 5 days vacation. :) #UPDiliman (at UP-DILIMAN)

French and Art Studies for summer. Not bad. 🇫🇷🎨 👊😀

French and Art Studies for summer. Not bad. 🇫🇷🎨 👊😀

Première fois.

Première fois.

Preach! (@ Alan’s Grill, Cubao Expo)

Preach! (@ Alan’s Grill, Cubao Expo)

Selfie na lang. Di ata makakaenroll eh. :)) #effyouDiliman #haggardoversoza

Selfie na lang. Di ata makakaenroll eh. :)) #effyouDiliman #haggardoversoza

@cudiajohnjerick: “ORGANICTRIO GOES TO MANILA” @jroomjroomjroom :)) #workingclassnasiCudia (at Sky Garden)

@cudiajohnjerick: “ORGANICTRIO GOES TO MANILA” @jroomjroomjroom :)) #workingclassnasiCudia (at Sky Garden)

Buong araw ginugol, di pa rin enrolled. Huhuhu #effyouDiliman :’( </3 (at Fresh Selections)

Buong araw ginugol, di pa rin enrolled. Huhuhu #effyouDiliman :’( </3 (at Fresh Selections)

I was right when I said “our story is about to end”

Turns out the problem was not someone from your past, it was someone else, someone new. I would not want to write about how you guys met and how your “love” story started. It is not right and it is waste of my time as well.

They say once is enough, twice is too much. Yeah, right. Twice to be cheated and lied to is enough for a lifetime. Do I deserve it? No. But sometimes we get even the things we do not deserve and all we have left to do is to deal with them. And hell yeah, I’m pretty handling it well. Very very well.

You were crying the first time we talked about your confusion and you made me believe it was because of your ex stepping into the picture. Maybe that was the reason you were just crying, because I was doing the talking, asking about her and if you still want to get back with her, when you know she was not the person causing all the confusion in your head. I realized I look and sound stupid at the time. And still, you did not have the guts to tell me the truth even when all I asked of you that time was honesty. And then you have this ‘Neither’ tweet, only after we talked that I realize that it is because for crying out loud, it was neither me or your past lover.

Thankfully, with the help of alcohol and my persistence (I’m not the type of person you can just leave hanging and waiting), you told me the truth about her, the other girl.  The room was filled with your sob and tears (again) while I tried to absorb everything you said. I felt so many emotions and felt nothing at the same time. I guess I was a little prepared to get hurt. I even comforted you and told you not to cry because seriously it freaked me out and it scared me that you might ran out of breath or faint and I might need to carry you to the hospital in the middle of the night. Honestly, seeing you cry so hard made me feel good in a way because I know you are suffering, whether it is guilt or feeling sorry, I did not care to know.

I was too kind to tell you that it is okay, that at least you told me the truth, that I will be okay, and that you should not beat yourself up because you know, you did not mean to fall for her INSTANTLY. I said that maybe if it happened to me, it would also be hard to tell you. I was stupid, what is wrong with me? Maybe I am really too kind because I meant those words.  

You said you have loved me (so much) since January and it is something that would not go away that easily. But you did not tell me about it and you did know why. You feel like you are loving two persons at the same time and it is something you still have to understand. You said you are stupid. I agree.   

And then after a few minutes it all sank to me and I broke into tears. But that was the first and last time I cried that hard for you. I’m pretty proud I could say that. I was hurt because you lied. I was hurt because I thought we were exclusive. I was hurt because I thought that we were on that path to the fucking L word. I was hurt because I did not see you as someone who could do this to me (again). I was hurt because I felt betrayed, because you broke my trust and my heart.

You said you will accept every bad word, every bad action that will come from me for what you did. You said you deserve what would people think about you if I told them about what you did to me. You said you hated those people who cheated on their partners and now you did it to me. You hate yourself. You said you were tanga, gago, walang kwenta. You said it yourself the things I was hesitant to say. Yes you are and I’m glad you know all of that. You were sorry the whole time and I felt it was real. At least.

You said you already told her you love her. How come you could love someone you only met once, just more than a week ago? I don’t want to judge but I cannot help but ask. How could you love her and still do all those stuff we do when you know it would hurt her?

That was the time I realized you do not know how to love. And what you felt for me was not the fucking L word. Maybe it is just another L word. I realized that I what I felt for you too was not again, that fucking L word. I do not even have the guts to type that word.

 You told me about the story of your ex and how you lasted for six years. You told me how even after she dated three guys consecutively while you were still together, you still forgave her and continued to love her. And then after all that, she was still the one who broke up with you.

That was the time I realized you are scarred for life. Your past is still holding you back, that she left you broken and you still haven’t picked yourself up totally. You said after her, you would no longer put that much effort on relationships. You do not need to say, but I understand that you are still afraid, you are still not ready to love. And that was the time I understand why ours did not work out and why it was mediocre.

It is sad to think that I invested on someone who is not ready yet. You still have to work on yourself, your issues, the ones that keep haunting you, the things that you cannot let go of. I hope that even just a little bit, I helped you get rid of them. And if not, well, it is not my problem anymore. I wish that you really love her. I wish you will love her, really love her and not just any emotion you can easily confuse love with. Because it is sad to see someone who jumps in from relationship to relationship for the hopes of finally fixing themselves only to find out that no one could do that for them. I hope you will mature. After all, it is the principle we both believe in and strive for.

I’m pretty amazed by myself right now for not beating myself up over and over again which I did when my last relationship ended. Do not get me wrong. It is not that I am already fully recovered from what has been done to me. Maybe it is easier for me this time because we only had few months together, because I have not invested that much yet, because frankly, I’m not that into you 100%, because you told me the truth (something I did not get from someone I truly and deeply loved before) and because needless to say, I did not really love you.

Lessons learned though. I made mistakes as well. I rushed myself into this relationship as soon as I saw the opportunity. After my last relationship, I long for the feeling when someone loves you and cares for you and when you expressed interest, I jumped right through.

I realized that you know, some things should not be rushed. You should be certain of what you are putting yourself into. Get to know the person deeply.  Do not give yourself so quickly. I also learned that if you have standards, you do not need to lower them just for one person. Instead, you can let them know about it and if they really like you, they will live up to it. It is your standards and your expectations after all and them being met would make you happy. If someone wants to make you happy, they would not mind putting a little effort.

Right now, I feel so light and free. I am excited for summer classes, new environment, new people and new experiences. For now, I just want to know myself again, to love myself even more. Since 2010, I had been in a relationship and maybe it is the perfect time that I allow myself to have a break from romance and all that the dating world as to offer – including pain. I also feel that some time alone would help me work on my own issues, if there is, with my past and with myself.

I will be ready in time. I will be ready to truly, deeply and genuinely love someone again. But now, it has to be me. Just me.

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.”

First time in my entire life to wear just undies around friends. Walang pakialam sa flabs, stretchmarks, maitim na singit at kung ano ano pang insecurities. Hahaha! So liberating. Fuck you pushy friends. Love you. :))
@ Hydrofalls, Camp 6, Baguio City April 5, 2014
Taken by Puy Callangan

First time in my entire life to wear just undies around friends. Walang pakialam sa flabs, stretchmarks, maitim na singit at kung ano ano pang insecurities. Hahaha! So liberating. Fuck you pushy friends. Love you. :))

@ Hydrofalls, Camp 6, Baguio City
April 5, 2014

Taken by Puy Callangan

Chasing waterfalls. :)) #medyoskinnydipping (Hashtag suggested by Puy and Odessa)

Chasing waterfalls. :)) #medyoskinnydipping (Hashtag suggested by Puy and Odessa)

Ang bilis lumaki ni Gabee. Grrr. Kagigil. Haha. 👶👼😇

Ang bilis lumaki ni Gabee. Grrr. Kagigil. Haha. 👶👼😇

Shit happens when you least expect it.

Everything is going so well, that was what I thought. For three months, I was genuinely happy with us. You were happy too. Both of us were. I didn’t expect that we are gonna happen, that again I’ll get involved with someone after I broke my heart last year. 

We started out as friends and it was great. Then we started to be more than friends and it was even better. I got to know a lot more about you, I got to open myself up once again to someone when I thought it would be impossible to do so again after I had my heart broken. Our wavelengths match. We have the same humor. We both laugh a lot. You like every food I cook. I love watching Sherlock after you told me it was good. 

You gave me your time. I gave you mine. We made time for each other. We spend a lot of time together. You made me feel important. You told me that I’m important to you. You are to me. You made me feel special. You are to me. You made me feel that you care a lot about me. I care about you just as much. You made me feel once again. I love how you make me feel. 

And then one night, just one night, everything has changed. I didn’t know you are confused. I didn’t see any of this coming. I saw how problematic you were with what I was about to say. You almost always know what I would say. That is how we kind of know each other. 

And then I said it. I said I was willing to let you go.

I would not compete with six years. I would not compete with someone you grew up with. I would not compete with someone your family knows and loves. I would not compete with someone, who, despite the fact that she broke your heart how many times, you would still go after. I would not compete with someone you still have feelings for after you’ve split up for quite a long time ago. I would not compete with someone you cannot seem to get over no matter how much pain she has caused you. I would not compete with someone who might just be your the one.

I was hurt as I was saying that I am willing to let you go. “Do what makes you happy. Be with someone who makes you happy”. And then you cried. Never did I (or my words) had that kind of effect to a man. Never did a man cried in front of me and I thank you for that. You opened that part of yourself to me that you would not show anyone. You cried harder than I did. And I know right then you were hurt more than I was. But I didn’t get anything other than “I don’t know”. Your confusion makes me confused as well. 

How could this happen when just the day before, we were all good and happy as can be? I guess you were confused all throughout the time we are together. Maybe you are just quite good at hiding it. Maybe it was her all along, that I was just a part of a huge relapse. Maybe what you had for me is just something fleeting. Maybe you are losing what you felt for me before. Maybe you never really had feelings for me at all. It pains me to admit that they are all possible.

I cannot fully explain what I am feeling right now. I feel confused as well. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. But more than all of that, I feel so broken. Even without saying it, I know I made you feel what I feel for you. And you made me feel what you feel for me too. And that screws up my head more about your confusion. 

Right now, I respect that you need some time and space to think. People get confused at times, I am no exception. All I asked of you is honesty. If it is me, it’s me. If it’s her, it’s her. And that you would tell it to me straight to my face. I know that the last thing you want to do is hurt me. And of course, I do not want you to. But you got to choose because it is the way it should be. From then on, we can move forward with our lives. That is all I want.

I miss you so much and every day that passed, I honestly feel that I am losing you little by little. That maybe or story has to end so quickly. That maybe things get fucked up all of a sudden and all we have left to do is to deal with it. That maybe you are just a lesson I have to learn. That maybe, this isn’t really meant to be.

And maybe I am trying to find as much reasons why I had to write our story, because I feel like it is about to end.